Things are NOT looking so good today, hubby woke up in a bad mood, not sure if it was due to lack of sleep or lack of sex. No one has been sleeping well since we moved, looks like its time for a cleansing, which is well past due anyhows. Even though I have my PMS all set up, I have yet to use it, so that will be the goal for tomorrow, meditate for 5 mins, but I too need to get the sleeping thing in order though, as with no sleep I have been getting up later which means at least one or more of the kids are waking up right around the same time, which means no time to myself.
My eldest daughter, Naomi, turned twenty a couple of days ago, her birthday, much more than my own, makes me feel old. I start to think of the would haves, could haves and should haves, which is not good of course, but at the same time gives me a point of reference as to what has gone astray and what I need to recover, fix or simply leave behind. At some point I need to forgive my mother, and even worse I need to forgive myself, particularly on some of the choices made and things done with Naomi's upbringing.
Speaking of Naomi, I will tell you of a wee incident that happened app 2 weeks ago that took me back a wee bit. The weekend before the move I had the brilliant idea of having a yard sale, clear out the junk etc, needless to say it didn't go too well and we ended up leaving 3/4 of the stuff on our lawn for people to haul away for free, which they slowly did, but they also liked to leave their own bits and pieces of garbage, like coffee cups and wraps, which I had to go out and pick up (Thank you litterers). Well the Tuesday or Wednesday after I was again doing just that, and then had gone down the side of the house to do something rather another, as I turned to come back up towards the door, who is standing there but Henry (name changed for privacy issues) Naomi's biological father, well you could have knocked me over with a feather and I am positive my chin hit the gravel driveway. Now, dear reader, you are probably wondering why the reaction, so I will have to give you some background, I'll try to keep it short but no guareentees...
I grew up in a couple of housing project in Toronto, with other kids in similar situations to mine, the one, St Jamestown, we returned to when I was eight. Now though I am sure sure he was around before then, my first real memory of Henry was when I was about 11, and following him around, he was 14, older, cooler, handsome etc and I had a huge crush on him. I ended up going into foster care at 14 and was moved away from the project. When I was 15 Henry and I met up again, in August, at the Ex, numbers were exchanged etc, but he wouldn't have much to do with me for a couple of weeks, until I was more "legal" and turned 16 in early September. Our brief torrid affair lasted until November, when he turned 19 and we simply went our seperate ways.
Soon after I discovered I was pregnant and due to circumstances decided not to inform Henry of the news. Naomi was born, I gave her up for adoption to my mother (a story for another day) and life went on. A couple of years later, in December, soon after I had turned 18, I once again met up with Henry. The affair started anew and once or twice through out it I mentioned in passing that Naomi was his, but didn't press the issue as she had already been adopted by my mother. In August the following year I again found myself pregnant, but this time I was still with Henry and told him the news, the reaction was neither good nor bad, but soon after (and actually on Naomi's 2nd birthday) I miscarried and ended up in the hospital. Henry came to see me and offered to take Naomi the gifts I had bought her, which was astounding in of itself as it meant Henry would have to venture back into St. Jamestown, something almost unheard of! In my emotional state I also took this endevour of his as an admission that Naomi was in fact his. A few more months pass and we again go our seperate ways.
A couple of years later, after I had again moved back to St. Jamestown, I was unpacking some boxes and discovered a small travel case of Henry's with some of his stuff in it, I decided to try his old number and ask if he wanted his stuff before I threw it out, he informed me he was with someone else and that was that.
When Naomi was 14 she started asking many questions about her father, all of which I answered as best as I could, but told her that once she was 19, if she so wished, I would attempt to find him for her. September last year, a month after she turned 19, she reminded me of my promise, so I followed through with it and did in fact find him, or so I thought.
The returning e-mail was barely polite, full of questions and a tad cold, after we got through that bit, I found out it is actually his wife, Mandy, another person that we grew up with in the projects, that has intercepted the e-mails without his knowledge and has also been responding to said e-mails, again without his knowledge. So apparently she finally tells him what is going on, he is none to pleased with her decieving etc. Mandy and I become friends of sorts, and things start moving way too fast, she hires me as a contractor for a job or two (as I had to quit my previous one for a medical condition); she met up with me and Sam and the kids and gave them all Christmas presents etc. and Henry just stayed in the background and scowled. So things with Mandy became really strange ( again another story for another time) and I went my seperate way in March.
Hence my reaction when I turned around and unexpectedly found Henry standing in my driveway. He came to apologize for his wife's behaviour and wants to take me on a 10 hour drive to hash things out between us. I explained that with our moving in two days, it was impossible to do anything at the moment, but gave him my cell phone number as well as Sam's and asked that he call me in a couple of weeks. Neither Sam nor I are comfortable with me going on a day trip with Henry, so I am going o suggest we simply grab a coffee and go to a park or something near here, so we will just have to wait and see.
Labels: Reminiscing